Wednesday, December 5, 2012

So let me wear my heart on a sleeve

(Written last October 26, 2012, 11:23 pm)

Just because you don't see me hurting doesn't mean I don't feel anything.
Just because you don't see me crying doesn't mean that I don't feel like breaking down.
And just because you see me smiling doesn't mean that I'm not feigning my emotions.
As much as I would want to show you my frailty, it all boils down to a single truth:
At the end of the day, IT WON'T CHANGE ANYTHING.

Knowing that I am in pain won't keep you from standing by the choices you've made.
Knowing that I've shed some tears won't change the circumstances that keep us apart.
Knowing that I feel the same way won't make things any better for the two of us.
Knowing that I've been missing you all this time won't change the fact that inspite of everything that had transpired, this is what's best for all of us.

I hope you do not think ill of me for doing this.
I am not good at laying my heart on the line.
This is the only way I know how to guard my heart so let it be my only defense.

Because after all that's been said and done, it doesn't really matter anyway.
And I might as well just keep it to myself.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

One Day

"I need to speak to someone. Not someone - you."

My deepest darkest secrets and my greatest unfounded fears. You know everything. The worst thing you've ever done and the biggest mistake you've made. I happen to know it too. Come to think, if there is any one person that would always have my back, it would have to be you. And if there is only one person who would still believe in you even when no one else did, that would be me. 

I promised myself that I won't be watching this movie again. EVER. Although the masochistic side of me actually relishes sad endings in movies, with this one, it isn't really the ending that got into me. It was the fact that Emma and Dex made it. Although theirs was a love story that was short-lived, they nevertheless got married and ended up together. They were able to live out their lives together even with the little time that they had. And in the end, that's all that really matters. It's not how long you've stayed together, but how you've made those precious moments count and how you were able to choose to be with this one person for the rest of your life. 

I wish things could turn out to be as easy as they are being portrayed in films. Maybe the world wouldn't be as depressing as it is. And if only making a choice were as simple as leaving a person playing the piano in a jazz bar and running after the one that you truly want, then probably, lesser hearts would be left broken. Including mine.
In the real world, it just doesn't work that way. In the end, you stick up with the choices that you made, not just because of love alone, but also because you recognize that commitment plays a big factor too.  I remember you asking me once why after everything, I still chose to bear it all. I wasn't able to provide you with an answer back then. For a time there, you had me thinking and now this I have to say. He was always around even when no one else was. And he stayed, even when I had, for many times driven him away. Most importantly, he fought for me like no one else did, even during instances when I knew I didn't deserve to be fought for.  And in this gruesome world filled with apathy and deceit, that to me means everything; it is larger than life.

But that doesn't make things any easier or less baffling for me. Especially not when it involves you. There are still days when I am overwhelmed with sadness and helplessness. And there are nights like these when I wish more than anything that the circumstances had been different and that the second chance we had, shouldn't have been too late. In another life perhaps. But sadly not in this lifetime.

You're still you. And I'm still me. And in my dreams, it is still your face that lingers. And if it has to be this way, then so be it.

Nobody but you has to know anyway. 
I miss you...

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

A Conversation with a Friend

“In a universe of ambiguity, this kind of certainty comes only once, and never again, no matter how many lifetimes you live.” - The Bridges of Madison County

I'll say this though. I held him, for the longest time. Because I knew that he wasn’t mine to keep and that my time was coming to an end. And I wanted to remember every single detail of it. Relish at its magnificence and bask in its glory. Because in a few hours, he will no longer be with me although he was never really mine to lose anyway.  So the pain of losing something isn't there. But the exhilarating feeling that even for just a while - he was with me, beside me, and wanted me, was there.  And if I could bottle that feeling, I certainly would.

Our difference lies there. I knew that moment was not going to last. Maybe that generally stirred up the excitement.  But for me, it was more than that. Soon enough, I may find something else that I will fancy. But  I know, I will always, always have that memory.

And that’s speaking plainly :)

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Maintain Status Quo

"Sometimes keeping the memory is good enough."

I know you're probably just as troubled as I am. Baffled might be a better term. Almost desperate, if I may say. Perhaps helpless too. I wish I could tell you that you are not alone. That I've been feeling things as well. But I guess it would be adequate to say that it is what it is. And it would be in the best interest of all for us to leave it at that. 

Friday, July 20, 2012

Of Tidal Waves and Riverbeds

They say that it is never right to live a life in regret. And it is precisely because of this fact why there are those who tell us to not look back and dwell on days gone by. After all, you can only endure so much shame and remorse, but at the end of the day, it doesn't really change anything. Maybe that's the thing about regrets. At the end of the day, they're just that - Guilt Feelings. Nothing more and Nothing less.

I have chosen to rub this off and allow time and space to heal this minor injury which has been caused by my own recklessness. From the very beginning, I knew it wasn't right but I went along with it anyway. Several times, I had even attempted to rationalize and justify my actions. I kept telling myself that I knew my limits and I would never cross my boundaries. I might just have kept my word because I think I never did. Nevertheless, I have not emerged unscathed. Looking back to everything that's been said and done, I realized now that more than the pain, deceit and false hope, the worst kind of damage that anyone could ever really inflict are those that you had never really intended to cause.

This tumultuous affair had almost cost me everything. Even more, it had allowed me to betray someone who has done nothing but offer me his utter love and devotion. I will always regret that I had hurt the one person who managed to stand his ground and trust me completely even when I didn't deserve any of it. I had allowed him to suffer in silence out of my own selfish indulgence.

I wasn't looking for trouble, nor had I intended to find something I might fancy. At a point in time in my life when I valued certainty and direction more than anything, I was not up for any more games. How our paths had crossed and why we were drawn to each other, maybe it was by chance. But then again, maybe not. Probably we had allowed ourselves to fall  into that vicious trap, unmindful of the consequences. I guess we were too caught up with ourselves that for a time there, we had both forgotten that we were living separate realities. Or maybe we both knew that that was all we really could ever have with each other. And so we groped for what it was worth, never mind that it was not going to last.

And I should've never allowed you to come too close. I should have kept my distance too had I known that it would turn out to be this way. But how could I have resisted a tidal wave that came crashing into me out of nowhere, only to revive my dampened spirit and desolate soul? How could I have ignored the late night phone calls and the endless conversations that made me look forward to each waking day? Who would refuse company and a big umbrella on a rainy day? And how could I have ever turned down a cold afternoon with you, sipping coffee, studying and talking like the day was never going to end? I knew that it was a now-or-never opportunity; it was our only chance. And I impulsively grabbed it because I thought it was worth the risk.

And that was my biggest mistake -to have placed almost everything on the line, for a cheap thrill. I had allowed somebody to put up with my untruths, with him all the while knowing what I was really up to.  And yet, despite his knowledge, he placed his faith on me that I wouldn't let go of his hand even when I almost did. I had almost given up on the one person who never gave up on me. But in my weakest moments, he kept on and showed me that ours was a love that was worth fighting for, until the very end.

I am glad that I had come to my senses and balked out before it was too late. It must have been my guardian angel telling me to step back. Or maybe it was you, finally realizing that we were now treading on dangerous grounds because our emotions have gotten the best of us. Probably too, it was him, constantly praying that I would finally see the light and cherish a love that had endured and weathered through so many trials and tribulations, all these years.

You are my biggest regret. I didn't need you to come into my life and disrupt my tranquility. But you did and it's going to take a while for me to mend these broken pieces of my already battered heart. It's astonishing how in the shortest span of time, you must have really gotten into my system. For out of the many instances that the law of attraction could have taken its toll on me, I couldn't have chosen such an unforgiving time.  And out of the million and one people with which I could have sparked a remarkable connection with, it had to be you.

In another life, when the odds are not against us and the circumstances we are in would be different, maybe I can learn to trust my emotions again. But right now, I owe it to myself to fix the mess that I made and put things back in its rightful places. It might take a while, I know. But I will get there because I am with this one person who has chosen to endure even the worst of me. And it is where I am gaining strength to make it through. If it makes any difference at all, I have you to be grateful for. Your existence made him realize that where I am is where he wants to remain after all. And with that, there is nothing more that I could ask for. 

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Inner Rantings

Lately, a million things have been going through my head and I have been left baffled and confused than I've ever been before. My summer days are coming to an end and maybe I just dread going back to school because I know it'll mean more hellish days for me. Or probably I'm just simply worrying about the future, that which lies ahead and the uncertainty that goes along with it. More than ever, I am being forced to face something which I am completely daunted by the mere thought of. For what its worth, I am placed at a crossroad which is pushing me to my limit and testing how far my faith can go.

There are just times when I just can't help but feel sad and sorry for myself. And I feel like crying because right now, I don't exactly know what to do. There are days when I just want to lie down and reevaluate my life, my choices and my options. But that makes me even more scared because making a move right now at this very crucial moment, might just mess it all up and ruin everything altogether. Vocal and outspoken as I am, I do not usually tell people the big things that really bother me, nor do I share those thoughts which really perturb me. I'm well aware of the fact that I am quite neurotic and I overthink too much on the verge of reaching paranoia. But lately, things have been quite unbearable that it kills me not to be able to say anything at all.

Because right now, I don't understand. And I simply do not just want to understand. I want to know. I want to know why I am feeling emotions which should have been long gone. I want answers to questions because the lack of it is threatening my sanity and screwing up my belief system. Most importantly, I want somebody to tell me why this one person who has been my shelter and my home should have to leave just so we can have a future together. I want to know why this is happening all at once right now, just when I am about to realize my lifelong dreams as well.

And I don't know where to begin or how to even start describing these thoughts, these feelings that haunt me in my dreams and distract me in the most mundane times. All the more, how can I actually find it in my heart to allow my pillar of strength to leave me behind and wait with uncertainty for a someday that is yet to come without the slightest assurance of permanence? Why does he have to leave now, when I am in a state of emotional crisis? Why can I not just go with him so I can just hide in his arms to where I can always find refuge and solace? What am I going to do to with all these memories that trouble me? And when can I start getting used to living my life without him around?

I am at this point in my life where time is running against me to my disadvantage. I cannot afford to make one false move and lose everything that I've worked for my entire life. And right now, this is not my own choice to make, but ours. There is just so much at stake and with all that's been going on in the world right now, you can never be too sure that things will work out for the best.

Maybe I just need to figure this out on my own. And although my sanity is hanging by a thread, I am placing everything on the line. And because have no weapon nor armor, I must take it all in and just simply hope for the best. I am praying that my faith will be more than enough to get me through all of this.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

The Vow

"I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness and to have the patience that love demands, to speak when words are needed and to share the silence when they are not and to live within the warmth of your heart and always call it home."

"I vow to fiercely love you in all your forms, now and forever. I promise to never forget that this is a once in a lifetime love. I vow to love you, and no matter what challenges might carry us apart, we will always find a way back to each other."

I dream about writing my own set of vows someday. Maybe one day soon. I hope I get to live to relish that moment. And I hope it would turn out to be something close to this. :)

Wednesday, March 14, 2012


I have a secret. And I have kept it for seven years. Seven long years. And for how long I can hold it in, that I am not sure of. I had hoped that eventually, it might die a natural death. Or that by some stroke of luck, I will be able to forget and bury it in my memory. But seven years have passed  and I've been singing the same song in my head. 

Right now,  I wish there was something that I could do about it. I had long prayed for this to go away. And I thought that it did. But something happened along the way and it seems I'm right back to where I used to be - in a deep emotional rut.

I've been searching for words to say. I've been conjuring up lines in my head. I've been seeking for answers. And I've been looking for reasons. But all to no avail.

I guess time and distance never really changes anything. Or maybe there are just some things that refuse to part with that which breeds familiarity. I think there are those who choose to remain where they are because it's the only place that they can keep coming back to.

I am keeping this. I am choosing to nurture it. Like a prized possession, I am holding it close to me. With this, I do not expect the whole world to stand up for my cause. I know they will never understand. I'm guessing nobody ever will.

I am choosing this. The rest of the universe may not conspire with me on this one but nevertheless, I know that this a decision that will give me the tranquility and peace of mind which I have always cherished and yearned for.

I've lost it once and I never want it to happen again. Everything that was had been a blur. The years that passed were all too painful to speak of. And now that I have found my place, I am staying right where I am. Too much time has passed. And there were all too many opportunities that were wasted. Most of all, too many hearts have been broken along the way. And right now is not the time to cause even more damage.

I wish I could provide an explanation although I know it won't be necessary. And more than anything, I know you completely understand. Because despite everything that was, that is and that will be, this one thing has remained constant and has never faltered, all this time.

In another lifetime, where the circumstances are different and I had more time in my hands, maybe things would have turned out differently. But for what it's really worth, like you said, maybe it's just better this way. So this I have to say.


One heartbreak is enough. And never mind that it is my very own that has to pay the price.