Here is something that I wrote almost seven years ago. I wrote this for someone who at some point in time, meant the world to me until fate had finally decided that we could no longer be part of each other's lives. For a time, I refused to acknowledge the impact of such loss. I dared not speak of it in the hopes that I could just completely shun it off my system.
Nobody knew that it had haunted me for so long. It evoked negative emotions that I could barely handle on my own. And for so long a time, I refused to forgive myself for everything that has happened.
I had always thought that death was the most terrible thing. Until I discovered the betrayal of a friend.
This person had me in my best years. Probably the best pieces that I have ever written, they were all about him - our friendship and the love that we never acknowledged, much less acted on.
But for the past few years, I had only been writing bitter diatribes. I was consumed by a pain for a loss that I had never been able to comprehend for so long.
Until now.
I realized that I had to lose you. You had to hurt me because I would have never stopped loving you. It was the only way. I couldn't face the truth that we were never really meant to be.
I tried to be stubborn but God wouldn't have it any other way. He had prepared me for someone better.
I can only look back now and heave a sigh of relief. I had finally come to terms with everything.
I had already forgiven you a long time ago . And I will never forget the kindness of your heart when you were well.
I am keeping the good memories. This is how I will remember you as my very best friend.
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Written - 16 August 2016
And it pretty much boils down to the same thing when it comes to my emotions. It's always been there. It has never left since. It may have evolved; it may have taken a different form. But the truth is, it has always been lurking somewhere within me. And try as I may to shun away from it, I know deep within me, it will always linger and won't go away.
I have loved you for so long that it is not well within my heart to throw it all away. I cannot unlove you. The entire system of my being refuses to. I guess there is something about young love that cannot die a natural death. It doesn't just rob you off your innocence, it steals away an integral part of yourself that you will never be able to recover. You just get on with your own life knowing that the world won't stop for your grief. And then eventually, you learn to move on. But that hole in your heart, it seeps right through you and unfortunately remains to be a gap that cannot be filled much like a wound out of a tooth extraction - the pain doesn't linger when the wound heals, but the tooth will always be missing.
And I will always miss you. And I will always wish that you were still around. That charismatic smile of yours remains to be imprinted and my eyes never light up the way they do whenever we are together. But it has taken an eternity for us to figure out what we really meant to each other and so much has happened since then. A lot has changed. I wish I could say that I was still the same girl that I was back then. But when we both decided to tread on different paths ten years ago, I guess with it came the decision that we will not be sharing a life together. Because that girl you once knew is gone. She has changed for the better. She has moved on. She has made her life choices which she tirelessly worked for. She thus chooses to stand by them even if it means not being with you. And though the intensity of my emotions has unceasingly remained to be at a standstill, we both know that the stars have not aligned to our favor in this lifetime.
I can only love you from a distance, never too close enough lest run the risk of burning. But I will continue to love you from where I am. That is something that I do not need to promise as it is an obligation which my weary heart has imposed upon myself without any reservation. The fact that we are not together doesn't change anything. It doesn't diminish the pain of longing nor the misery of our parting. If at all, it has only transcended into a different level. Because I continue to love you even when you're not around - even when there is absolutely nothing to hold on to because logic and reason is of no moment to a heart that beats this way only for you.
And I want you to know that I also understand why you have chosen to maintain your distance and keep your silence. It has taken a while for me to fathom, but I have always accorded your wisdom and your ability to perceive things with great weight. I know you have your own reasons for wanting to stay away. And if this is your version of coping and dealing with our separate realities, then I can do nothing but to respect your course of action although it does not make it any less painful nor the entire process any less cumbersome. I will always miss you like the sun misses the moon.
In a different lifetime, maybe all this will make sense. For now, my heart remains right where it was. And you are forever etched on it.
