Wednesday, March 14, 2012


I have a secret. And I have kept it for seven years. Seven long years. And for how long I can hold it in, that I am not sure of. I had hoped that eventually, it might die a natural death. Or that by some stroke of luck, I will be able to forget and bury it in my memory. But seven years have passed  and I've been singing the same song in my head. 

Right now,  I wish there was something that I could do about it. I had long prayed for this to go away. And I thought that it did. But something happened along the way and it seems I'm right back to where I used to be - in a deep emotional rut.

I've been searching for words to say. I've been conjuring up lines in my head. I've been seeking for answers. And I've been looking for reasons. But all to no avail.

I guess time and distance never really changes anything. Or maybe there are just some things that refuse to part with that which breeds familiarity. I think there are those who choose to remain where they are because it's the only place that they can keep coming back to.

I am keeping this. I am choosing to nurture it. Like a prized possession, I am holding it close to me. With this, I do not expect the whole world to stand up for my cause. I know they will never understand. I'm guessing nobody ever will.

I am choosing this. The rest of the universe may not conspire with me on this one but nevertheless, I know that this a decision that will give me the tranquility and peace of mind which I have always cherished and yearned for.

I've lost it once and I never want it to happen again. Everything that was had been a blur. The years that passed were all too painful to speak of. And now that I have found my place, I am staying right where I am. Too much time has passed. And there were all too many opportunities that were wasted. Most of all, too many hearts have been broken along the way. And right now is not the time to cause even more damage.

I wish I could provide an explanation although I know it won't be necessary. And more than anything, I know you completely understand. Because despite everything that was, that is and that will be, this one thing has remained constant and has never faltered, all this time.

In another lifetime, where the circumstances are different and I had more time in my hands, maybe things would have turned out differently. But for what it's really worth, like you said, maybe it's just better this way. So this I have to say.


One heartbreak is enough. And never mind that it is my very own that has to pay the price.