Saturday, May 26, 2012
There are just times when I just can't help but feel sad and sorry for myself. And I feel like crying because right now, I don't exactly know what to do. There are days when I just want to lie down and reevaluate my life, my choices and my options. But that makes me even more scared because making a move right now at this very crucial moment, might just mess it all up and ruin everything altogether. Vocal and outspoken as I am, I do not usually tell people the big things that really bother me, nor do I share those thoughts which really perturb me. I'm well aware of the fact that I am quite neurotic and I overthink too much on the verge of reaching paranoia. But lately, things have been quite unbearable that it kills me not to be able to say anything at all.
Because right now, I don't understand. And I simply do not just want to understand. I want to know. I want to know why I am feeling emotions which should have been long gone. I want answers to questions because the lack of it is threatening my sanity and screwing up my belief system. Most importantly, I want somebody to tell me why this one person who has been my shelter and my home should have to leave just so we can have a future together. I want to know why this is happening all at once right now, just when I am about to realize my lifelong dreams as well.
And I don't know where to begin or how to even start describing these thoughts, these feelings that haunt me in my dreams and distract me in the most mundane times. All the more, how can I actually find it in my heart to allow my pillar of strength to leave me behind and wait with uncertainty for a someday that is yet to come without the slightest assurance of permanence? Why does he have to leave now, when I am in a state of emotional crisis? Why can I not just go with him so I can just hide in his arms to where I can always find refuge and solace? What am I going to do to with all these memories that trouble me? And when can I start getting used to living my life without him around?
I am at this point in my life where time is running against me to my disadvantage. I cannot afford to make one false move and lose everything that I've worked for my entire life. And right now, this is not my own choice to make, but ours. There is just so much at stake and with all that's been going on in the world right now, you can never be too sure that things will work out for the best.
Maybe I just need to figure this out on my own. And although my sanity is hanging by a thread, I am placing everything on the line. And because have no weapon nor armor, I must take it all in and just simply hope for the best. I am praying that my faith will be more than enough to get me through all of this.