Friday, July 20, 2012

Of Tidal Waves and Riverbeds

They say that it is never right to live a life in regret. And it is precisely because of this fact why there are those who tell us to not look back and dwell on days gone by. After all, you can only endure so much shame and remorse, but at the end of the day, it doesn't really change anything. Maybe that's the thing about regrets. At the end of the day, they're just that - Guilt Feelings. Nothing more and Nothing less.

I have chosen to rub this off and allow time and space to heal this minor injury which has been caused by my own recklessness. From the very beginning, I knew it wasn't right but I went along with it anyway. Several times, I had even attempted to rationalize and justify my actions. I kept telling myself that I knew my limits and I would never cross my boundaries. I might just have kept my word because I think I never did. Nevertheless, I have not emerged unscathed. Looking back to everything that's been said and done, I realized now that more than the pain, deceit and false hope, the worst kind of damage that anyone could ever really inflict are those that you had never really intended to cause.

This tumultuous affair had almost cost me everything. Even more, it had allowed me to betray someone who has done nothing but offer me his utter love and devotion. I will always regret that I had hurt the one person who managed to stand his ground and trust me completely even when I didn't deserve any of it. I had allowed him to suffer in silence out of my own selfish indulgence.

I wasn't looking for trouble, nor had I intended to find something I might fancy. At a point in time in my life when I valued certainty and direction more than anything, I was not up for any more games. How our paths had crossed and why we were drawn to each other, maybe it was by chance. But then again, maybe not. Probably we had allowed ourselves to fall  into that vicious trap, unmindful of the consequences. I guess we were too caught up with ourselves that for a time there, we had both forgotten that we were living separate realities. Or maybe we both knew that that was all we really could ever have with each other. And so we groped for what it was worth, never mind that it was not going to last.

And I should've never allowed you to come too close. I should have kept my distance too had I known that it would turn out to be this way. But how could I have resisted a tidal wave that came crashing into me out of nowhere, only to revive my dampened spirit and desolate soul? How could I have ignored the late night phone calls and the endless conversations that made me look forward to each waking day? Who would refuse company and a big umbrella on a rainy day? And how could I have ever turned down a cold afternoon with you, sipping coffee, studying and talking like the day was never going to end? I knew that it was a now-or-never opportunity; it was our only chance. And I impulsively grabbed it because I thought it was worth the risk.

And that was my biggest mistake -to have placed almost everything on the line, for a cheap thrill. I had allowed somebody to put up with my untruths, with him all the while knowing what I was really up to.  And yet, despite his knowledge, he placed his faith on me that I wouldn't let go of his hand even when I almost did. I had almost given up on the one person who never gave up on me. But in my weakest moments, he kept on and showed me that ours was a love that was worth fighting for, until the very end.

I am glad that I had come to my senses and balked out before it was too late. It must have been my guardian angel telling me to step back. Or maybe it was you, finally realizing that we were now treading on dangerous grounds because our emotions have gotten the best of us. Probably too, it was him, constantly praying that I would finally see the light and cherish a love that had endured and weathered through so many trials and tribulations, all these years.

You are my biggest regret. I didn't need you to come into my life and disrupt my tranquility. But you did and it's going to take a while for me to mend these broken pieces of my already battered heart. It's astonishing how in the shortest span of time, you must have really gotten into my system. For out of the many instances that the law of attraction could have taken its toll on me, I couldn't have chosen such an unforgiving time.  And out of the million and one people with which I could have sparked a remarkable connection with, it had to be you.

In another life, when the odds are not against us and the circumstances we are in would be different, maybe I can learn to trust my emotions again. But right now, I owe it to myself to fix the mess that I made and put things back in its rightful places. It might take a while, I know. But I will get there because I am with this one person who has chosen to endure even the worst of me. And it is where I am gaining strength to make it through. If it makes any difference at all, I have you to be grateful for. Your existence made him realize that where I am is where he wants to remain after all. And with that, there is nothing more that I could ask for. 

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