Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Not three

Three months. That was how long I had planned to get through all my heartaches and move on with my life. I've prided myself over the fact that I am always able to program my system to easily adapt to changes in a span of 3 months. With that amount of time, I am able to adjust to a new environment or circumstance in my life - be it a different workplace or a new relationship.  This one is going to be just like the rest. Or so I thought.

But just recently, I've realized that I'm no robot. And it was foolish of me to box myself up and reduce all of my emotions into a measly three-month rule. Because I don't operate that way. 

Maybe I've just been too unhappy for the longest time that at some point, I really wanted to get it over and done with. I immersed myself into this make-shift reality where my deepest darkest pain and longing were locked up and all I could feel was temporary bliss. I set my standards at a minimum and attached myself to  a particular level of joy which I knew was only fleeting and impermanent. 

I feigned happiness but I knew better. Because I know that three months is not enough and it is going to take me a while for me to get my life back on track. 

Moving on doesnt just happen. And three months is not ample time. Not when my heart has been ripped open and completely torn apart. Not when your grandmother has not lived long enough to see you fulfill your lifelong dream. Not when your bestfriend of 13 years betrayed your trust during your most vulnerable time. And especially not when the love of your life, the one person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with, suddenly disappears in the middle of nowhere, leaving you and your heart in shambles. 

I need more time. And I need to figure this one out on my own. Some things just cant be rushed and that there are those that cant be forced. Especially when all your instincts tell you that it's just not meant to be to begin with anyway.

So I will allow the Divine Master to take control and maneuver his way into my life. I absolutely have no idea where I'm headed and what my future has in store. But I trust him enough that better things are coming my way. 

For now, I will be brave, courage and fearless. Even if it means being alone. 

1 comment: