I'm no cynic. But I do know how the world works. I know there is just too much sadness and craziness all around. And as much as I do not want to be a part of any of it, I already am. That being said, although this journey might have turned out to be quite not the way I had intended it to, I wouldn't have it any other way. Because if this is how I can come face to face and reconcile myself that which I have tried to shun off my system for the longest time now, then I shall let it be. I will let divine intervention (or fate perhaps) take control.
My heart has been ripped open for quite a few times now. And several times, I've witnessed how it has been torn to bits and shreds, probably even to pieces. It is a painful process and to speak of it is something that I cannot perfectly articulate into words because it just what it is - drearily bittersweet and tragically melancholic. Through time and experience, I must say that I have, in one way or another, learned to manage and cope with the entire process. This does not however mean to say that I've been able to avoid all the pain and hurt that went along with it. Fresh as it still is, I am well aware that the misery and desolation along with the idea of such a loss is still lurking somewhere within me. But maybe, I am just able to mask it off and put it away because I do realize that there is an even greater issue at hand. And that is you.
About 14 months ago, I was on this very same airport, stunned and on the verge of tears, waiting to board a plane that would take me elsewhere, even when my spirit and soul was unwilling and reluctant to leave. 14 months and counting, I am here again and the confused state of my heart remains the same. I'd like to refer to this as the story that never ends and a love that just amazingly never seems to falter, after all that it has silently endured and gone through.
I can't really tell if you relish the same pain and anxiety whenever we part ways, but I do know that you know how I feel. I know that you very well know why I came. I know you realize that I needed to be there and that more than anything, I wanted to see you and speak with you. There was so much I wanted to tell you but I seem to get the words all tangled up and the timing just never works to our advantage. I just wish I had the opportunity to unload it all and let you know that I am not really hoping for a lot. There was just something that I needed to let you know, never mind that it doesn't seem to matter to you anyway. And it was this that I wanted to say:
I looked back on the first half of this year with this realization in mind; that the last time I ever felt truly happy was the moment when I was with you, talking away endlessly like we had all the time in the world to spare. It was then that I realized that I am happiest when I am with you. It is your company that I yearn for every single day and it is your voice that I want to hear whenever I feel down and upset. You are the only one who can make me laugh at my mistakes and comfort me in my misery and make me feel better in my moments of utter solitude. Your laughter is the sweetest music to my soul. Your smile, how your eyes dance whenever they meet mine, inspires me in a way that no one else does. It is you, all that you are and the entirety of your being that has made me travel all these miles just so I can be with you and see you again because I want to believe that someday soon, I will still be capable of feeling alive and whole again, the way that you make me feel whenever you're around me.
And I wish I would have the courage to someday tell you this because you are the one person that I cannot live without. I'd rather have this piece of you than an eternity without it; if this is how it's going to be, if you only want me to remain being just this to you.
I know you think that in this world, you don't amount seem to very much. But to me, you mean so much more than what the entire world has to offer because I would willingly do anything for you in a heartbeat. And I wish that would be enough for you to stay in my life and not push me away. Because In your nothingness, I see your worth; in your humility and selflessness, I see your beauty. I'm not asking you to feel the way that I feel if it is not in your heart to reciprocate or if you see me in a different light. Just let me be if you will it to be so. But know that I will always be here for you and I will be patiently waiting for the day when you can learn to love me back or when my emotions will get the best of me and I will finally give up and have a change of heart. Until then, It is you that shall linger in my memory. It is you and no one else.
I miss you already.