Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Apology after a decade

I hope that someday, you get to read this just as you have once come upon my way. This has been long overdue; and probably almost a decade too late. Nevertheless, I just need to say my piece. This may be the last time I get to speak of all that we had and all that it was. But I will say it because it will be a great dishonor not to. And so that once and for all, I hope you will realize that it wasn't just yours or my own crime to pay. It just had to happen. You and I. We. Us.

Maybe at that point in time, we needed to be together. And yet we also needed to be apart for all these years just so we could find ourselves and become who we really should be. The distance, the space, the bitter emotions that we harbored for each other. It was all part of the master plan. Because it was relevant for us to be able to gain the wisdom to admit how promising we were side by side and how wonderful it was that we used to share.

I am sorry. I really am. I should have said this to you a long time ago. I had a million opportunities to do so. But I didn't. My pride got in the way. And I was too young to even understand that you were wiser than everybody else. That you knew me better than I knew myself. That you were right after all. I'm sorry I didn't give you a chance to explain yourself. I'm sorry that I didn't even try to understand what it was that you were trying to tell me. My emotions got the best of me. My sorrow and my pain consumed me. After which, I have never been the same again. You were the first one to make my heart beat like crazy. And yet, you were also the same person who tore it apart into a million pieces.

And I'm sorry for all the hurt I caused you. I'm sorry for waging war against you. I'm sorry for the many times that I tried to make your life a living hell. I was blinded by my vengeance. I wanted to inflict my pain on you. I wanted you to feel what it was that I felt back then even if I knew it was futile. Because we will never be the same again. I'm sorry that I made you hate me. Back then, I hated you too. I'm sorry I blamed it all on you. Most of all, I'm sorry that I broke your heart too.

And it has taken me almost a decade of pondering, one rainy evening and a friend who once cursed you too, for me to realize that you had nothing but the best intentions for the both of us. That you only wished me well.

Looking back, I see now that we had better days. That we had more beautiful memories than the bad ones. And with that, I am truly grateful that you were once part of my life. I hope you know that you will always be special. Because to me, you were like no other.

There is this part of me that wants to hold on to you and keep your memory for the longest time. And I know very well the reason why. You and I were the perfect combination. We were like thunder and lightning. Together we were unbeatable.And for as long as I had you by my side, I knew I could do anything. You had me at my best because you showed me the way. I know now why I've always striven for excellence and why I demand perfection in everything that I do. The example that you set was the basis of my standards. And back then, you always had your best foot forward. It was you who taught me to never settle for anything less because I deserved nothing but the best.

These days, there is nothing else that I wish but to go back in time and undo the part where I had been nothing but mean and heartless. Maybe if I had done just that, we probably would have stayed friends until now. But I screwed it all up. Admitting my mistakes has never come easy for me. So I deserve to feel this remorse and all these guilt feelings. Because even if you may have hurt me, you didn't need to endure all the tongue-lashing and verbal abuse that I had always thrown at you.

Someday, I hope that you will find it in your heart to forgive me for everything that I have done. Right now, there is nothing else that I can do but to pray and to lift up my apology to the Greater One up there so he can be the one to throw it right back at you. And when he does, I hope he blows you his loving kisses too. Just so you'll know that I'm sincerely grateful for everything that you've taught me. We probably wouldn't have turned out this well as separate individuals had we not have had a story to tell. And right now, I will just smile and be thankful that you happened and that you were a part of once-upon-a-time, never mind that it's not quite the fairy tale that we expected it to be. It's a still a story worth telling anyway.

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