For You

* On October 30, 2024,  someone who was once close to my heart passed away. I did not know how to process the grief. Over time, I realized that it would be a great dishonor not to preserve his memory in the best way I know how. Happy Birthday in heaven, Pau. I did not forget. 😉 Written: 11/06/2024 *

I have never been good with goodbyes.

And especially not with death.

Even more when I least expect it.

I was not prepared for your passing.

All the more its impact on me.

You and I were always just a thing of the past.

A distant memory.

I thought I had you all figured out all these years.

But I really didn’t.

And for that I am truly sorry. 

I focused on the bad and forgot all the good.

I only remembered your mistake and disregarded all your efforts.

I never believed that you really loved me. Until now.

All those times that I kept pushing you away, you nevertheless persisted.

And even when I couldn’t care any less, you took good care of me and looked out for me.

You were never my priority. You were just my second option. But you loved me anyway.

And all this time, I discounted your emotions and did not even bother. I thought you made a fool out of me and only played with my feelings.

And even when you asked for atonement many years after, I brushed you off and didn’t think you were sincere.

You had to pass on for me to realize that your feelings were genuine and that what we had was real.

I am so sorry for taking you for granted and for belittling your feelings for me. I’m sorry that I was so consumed in my own emotions that I paid no heed to the attention you were showering me.

I realize now that we were both young and reckless. And though we did try to make it work, we just lacked the maturity to keep it together.

And that’s okay. All is forgiven. 

I have nothing but love and respect for you now.

When we broke up, I remember I wrote you a letter. I told you that I never really loved you.

That was a complete and utter lie.

You were my first real one. My first in everything. And I will never forget what we had.

I really did love you. I just lacked the means to reciprocate in the best way at that time.

Thank you for coming into my life. Never mind that it was only for a short while. I realize now why God orchestrated for our paths to meet.

You and I, we were meant to happen.

I was meant to marvel at your existence.

I was meant to experience the kindness of your heart. So lucky me.

Rest well now. Be at peace in God’s loving embrace.