Yesteryears

Tonight, I will travel through time. I will relive days gone by. Tonight, I will cherish my yesteryears. I will look back, not with bitterness, but with a smile etched on my face because tonight, I perfectly understand. I was young then. We both were. And when you're young and inexperienced, you falter. You stumble and fall as if you won't be able to pick yourself up. Then all of a sudden, you grow up. Before you know it, things change. And when you look back, it is only then that you start to be grateful. For everything.

These days, I don't get to write as much. The workload doesn't allow me to write as often as I would want to. So nights like these are nights that seem magical to me. I am not the best writer in town. I don't write as well as I used to. But nevertheless, I write. I am all about self-expression. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Tonight, I am not a frustrated 24-yr-old workaholic yuppie. Right now, I am just this one particular girl. Just for this one night, I will be who I really am and who I really was. Tonight I will be me.

Almost decade ago, something happened in between. Brimming with the vibrance of youth, my innocence and frailty almost got the best of me. But looking back now, I have no room for regrets. If there's anything that I've learned at this point, it would be that in this lifetime, the choices that you make are the ones that define who you really are. There are those who choose the easy route and just hang on the idea of regret. Others refer to it as the lessons they learned. I call it my necessary mistakes. And you are one of these.

A TEXT STORY

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---> Busy? How are you tonight?

---> Went out kanina. What can I do for you tonight?

---> I'm ok. How are you? How did your day go?

---> I could not care less about him. It's you I'm interested in. Any plan for tonight and tomorrow?

---> Saturday. How was mass? What gift do you want?

---> Surprise na lang.

---> You know I am one already. You're right. Good night. Thanks for everything.

---> Funny. I never had that much luck for myself. I should mean more to you than a lucky charm.

---> For when you need it. It never hurts to have luck on your side.

---> Bye. Take Care of yourself too.

---> I'll miss you.

---> I'm here. Always. Good night.

---> Yah. All you need is ask. I'll be behind you whenever, wherever.

---> Nah. I promise.

---> Ok. See you tomorrow.

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---> Thinking about you this morning.

---> Hi. You're still on my mind.

---> Sorry I can't be there. Try to rest ok? Please get some sleep. Goodnight.

---> Nuts. I miss you already. I want a hug. Hug me when I see you again?

---> I miss you too. I feel great though. I'm with my family.

---> Great. I miss you too. Can I call? You home already?

---> I want a hug. You'll always be on my mind.

---> Uhuh. Okies. Good night.

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---> Gods are too far away for me to hold. I'd rather have you near me than the presence of a God.

---> I'm that important to you? You're just as needed in my life. More than you can imagine.

---> I love you. That's why I need you. You complete me. You may need me, but I need you more than you'll ever know.

---> Keep saying that often and you just might believe that. You know where I stand concerning you? I like you the way you are.

---> Anything to prove that I do love you. Believe it. I just did.

---> No way.

---> Too late. I already did.

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---> I can't like you anymore. I must not like you the way I liked you before.

---> What does that mean? It's nice to hear you say you like me. But it aint good for me to like you. It's bad for you to like me too. It's just my opinion though.

---> I still like you. But that must not continue. I have my reasons. So you're my friend and like me for friendship sake. Nothing more.

---> Basta, I'll get over you. I have too.

---> Good night. I wanted to hate you, but I can't.

---> I said I didn't. It isn't in me to hate somebody. I love you too much for that.

---> Goodnight. Someday, your feelings will change. So until that day comes, let's not talk about it.

You have always been brutally honest. And at that time, I cursed you so much for being that way. I guess I needed that. You prepared me for the worst. And yet at some point there, you showed me how to be the best that I will always be. We were both at our prime. And if I were to relive my life all over again, I still would choose to come upon you. You were just the right dose of medicine that I needed. We wouldn't have had it any other way.

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"Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them - if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry."

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."

~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

Of Second-Chances and Forgiveness

I never believed in second chances. I've always thought of life as a one-shot thing. That memories are once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. And that the mistakes you commit are moments wasted away that time can never turn back. I can be quite stubborn when it comes to my principles and idealisms. And like I always say, although I know that in reality, life is never really fair; at least in my world, I'd like to think that justice prevails. And that only means keeping the good vibes and rooting out all the bad elements. That kindness will be rewarded and wrongdoings will be severely punished.

I still don't believe in second chances. But if in this lifetime, I may have learned a thing or two about love, it is that it has taught me to stop counting. The first. The second. The third. (Although I hope it stops at the first though. No more second and third for me please.) Most importantly, it has taught me how to let go and find it in my bruised, pain-stricken heart to forgive.

For the past few weeks, I have gone through quite a major turmoil which I tried to keep within. Because I was too scared of breaking away from sanity. I was too proud to even admit that my dear life was falling into pieces. I was too much of a coward to accept that I was hurting because this one person just had to let me down.

After having gone through this emotional rollercoaster ride, I have come to the conclusion that God had allowed this to happen in my life. That this is all part of his master plan. I had to go through this. I had to learn my lesson this way. For though I may have been the one hurt the most, I've had my share of mistakes too. And most importantly, it has taught me the power of forgiveness.

When you commit yourself to a relationship with someone, it doesn't guarantee that life will be better. That life won't be complicated. Because try as you may, things will always get in the way. And it's not a matter of avoiding these glitches or pretending that they don't bother you at all. It is a matter of choosing to withstand all the difficulties and if at one point, either one should falter or break, you don't just give up. You stand up and finish the race. You fight the good fight.

So I don't call it a second chance. I call it the grace of forgiveness. I think of it as an act of faith. We are born flawed and imperfect and at times, we are meant to stumble and fall. But it doesn't end there. Because what really matters is you pick yourself up, accept where you went wrong and not give up the fight.

I'd like to think that I know better now. And though in this treacherous battle,I may not have emerged unscathed, I have become wiser and tougher. I have finally figured out what it is that is worth fighting for.

Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for not listening to me when I told you that all this had to end. Most of all, thank you for fighting for us. Thank you for choosing to correct your mistakes. After all this time, I've finally figured out just how much you mean to me. Because out of everyone else who broke me and shook my sanity for quite a while, you are the only one who I found it in my heart to truly forgive.

Heart-Wrenching, Soul-Searching

There are choices you make that are borne out of poor judgment. There are those that you are forced to deal with for lack of better options. The most difficult ones however, are those that will tear away your walls of defenses and rip your heart out. They are the choices that you make because you don't want to be stuck in a deep rut and you are hoping that someday, things will be different. That someday, things will be better.

I don't know where you are right now. And it kills me not knowing how you've been these past few days. More than anything else, I just want to know if you're alright. I can conjure a million and one reasons to justify my urge to see you and come up with one simple cause why I choose to hide away from the world for quite some time--- I want to know why I need you stay in my life.

Is love enough to make this work? Will our emotions far outweigh the many differences that we share? Will we be able to surpass all the challenges that will come our way? Is this worth trying and fighting for? Or will this just be another one in my list of LESSONS LEARNED?

I need to know why I love you. I want to know why you should stay. Give me a reason that will tell me why this is worth all the pain, the effort, and the faith. Because right now, I just feel like throwing it all away.

No, I don't just need a reason. More than anything else, I need a leap of faith. Most importantly, I need to know if I can still trust you. I need to believe that honesty will still prevail. Because I want us to start hoping again. And I need to know if this is still worth a second shot. I need a sense of conviction. That its not just going to be me. That it will be us. That you and me want this badly. That we are going to get through this together. Because the me factor has started to falter just when you started to grow weary.

For now, I will wallow in this moment of uncertainty and solitude. So this it how feels like to be lonely all over again. But if this is the price I have to pay for wanting to put things into its rightful place, I will make do with what I can . I will swallow this bitter pill. I will relish the distance and the space between us. And I will respect your choices too. Because this is how much you mean to me.

Whatever happens, I want you to know that I am ready. I am praying for God's grace to guide me and his wisdom to be my source of strength. You have been more than enough to me. And if this should really come to a close, I will accept it knowing that in due time, things will turn out the way they're meant to happen.

Nevertheless, I'm hoping you will choose otherwise. I'm wishing that you'll wake up to your senses and realize what I've put through just to be with you. I'm praying that one day, more than anything else, you will choose to be with me because you have found your conviction why you need me to stay. And until then, I can only keep my fingers crossed for better days to come.

So help me God.