Heart-Wrenching, Soul-Searching

There are choices you make that are borne out of poor judgment. There are those that you are forced to deal with for lack of better options. The most difficult ones however, are those that will tear away your walls of defenses and rip your heart out. They are the choices that you make because you don't want to be stuck in a deep rut and you are hoping that someday, things will be different. That someday, things will be better.

I don't know where you are right now. And it kills me not knowing how you've been these past few days. More than anything else, I just want to know if you're alright. I can conjure a million and one reasons to justify my urge to see you and come up with one simple cause why I choose to hide away from the world for quite some time--- I want to know why I need you stay in my life.

Is love enough to make this work? Will our emotions far outweigh the many differences that we share? Will we be able to surpass all the challenges that will come our way? Is this worth trying and fighting for? Or will this just be another one in my list of LESSONS LEARNED?

I need to know why I love you. I want to know why you should stay. Give me a reason that will tell me why this is worth all the pain, the effort, and the faith. Because right now, I just feel like throwing it all away.

No, I don't just need a reason. More than anything else, I need a leap of faith. Most importantly, I need to know if I can still trust you. I need to believe that honesty will still prevail. Because I want us to start hoping again. And I need to know if this is still worth a second shot. I need a sense of conviction. That its not just going to be me. That it will be us. That you and me want this badly. That we are going to get through this together. Because the me factor has started to falter just when you started to grow weary.

For now, I will wallow in this moment of uncertainty and solitude. So this it how feels like to be lonely all over again. But if this is the price I have to pay for wanting to put things into its rightful place, I will make do with what I can . I will swallow this bitter pill. I will relish the distance and the space between us. And I will respect your choices too. Because this is how much you mean to me.

Whatever happens, I want you to know that I am ready. I am praying for God's grace to guide me and his wisdom to be my source of strength. You have been more than enough to me. And if this should really come to a close, I will accept it knowing that in due time, things will turn out the way they're meant to happen.

Nevertheless, I'm hoping you will choose otherwise. I'm wishing that you'll wake up to your senses and realize what I've put through just to be with you. I'm praying that one day, more than anything else, you will choose to be with me because you have found your conviction why you need me to stay. And until then, I can only keep my fingers crossed for better days to come.

So help me God.