The Story that Never Ends

I'm no cynic. But I do know how the world works. I know there is just too much sadness and craziness all around. And as much as I do not want to be a part of any of it, I already am. That being said, although this journey might have turned out to be quite not the way I had intended it to,  I wouldn't have it any other way. Because if this is how I can come face to face and reconcile myself that which I have tried to shun off my system for the longest time now, then I shall let it be. I will let divine intervention (or fate perhaps) take control.

My heart has been ripped open for quite a few times now. And several times, I've witnessed how it has been torn to bits and shreds, probably even to pieces. It is a painful process and to speak of it is something that I cannot perfectly articulate into words because it just what it is - drearily bittersweet and tragically melancholic. Through time and experience, I must say that I have, in one way or another, learned to manage and cope with the entire process. This does not however mean to say that I've been able to avoid all the pain and hurt that went along with it. Fresh as it still is, I am well aware that the misery and desolation along with the idea of such a loss is still lurking somewhere within me. But maybe, I am just able to mask it off and put it away because I do realize that there is an even greater issue at hand. And that is you.

About 14 months ago, I was on this very same airport, stunned and on the verge of tears, waiting to board a plane that would take me elsewhere, even when my spirit and soul was unwilling and reluctant to leave. 14 months and counting, I am here again and the confused state of my heart remains the same. I'd like to refer to this as the story that never ends and a love that just amazingly never seems to falter, after all that it has silently endured and gone through.

I can't really tell if you relish the same pain and anxiety whenever we part ways, but I do know that you know how I feel. I know that you very well know why I came. I know you realize that I needed to be there and that more than anything, I wanted to see you and speak with you. There was so much I wanted to tell you but I seem to get the words all tangled up and the timing just never works to our advantage. I just wish I had the opportunity to unload it all and let you know that I am not really hoping for a lot. There was just something that I needed to let you know, never mind that it doesn't seem to matter to you anyway. And it was this that I wanted to say:

I looked back on the first half of this year with this realization in mind; that the last time I ever felt truly happy was the moment when I was with you, talking away endlessly like we had all the time in the world to spare. It was then that I realized that I am happiest when I am with you. It is your company that I yearn for every single day and it is your voice that I want to hear whenever I feel down and upset. You are the only one who can make me laugh at my mistakes and comfort me in my misery and make me feel better in my moments of utter solitude. Your laughter is the sweetest music to my soul. Your smile, how your eyes dance whenever they meet mine, inspires me in a way that no one else does. It is you, all that you are and the entirety of your being that has made me travel all these miles just so I can be with you and see you again because I want to believe that someday soon, I will still be capable of feeling alive and whole again, the way that you make me feel whenever you're around me.

And I wish I would have the courage to someday tell you this because you are the one person that I cannot live without. I'd rather have this piece of you than an eternity without it; if this is how it's going to be, if you only want me to remain being just this to you.

I know you think that in this world, you don't amount seem to very much. But to me,  you mean so much more than what the entire world has to offer because I would willingly do anything for you in a heartbeat. And I wish that would be enough for you to stay in my life and not push me away. Because In your nothingness, I see your worth; in your humility and selflessness, I see your beauty. I'm not asking you to feel the way that I feel if it is not in your heart to reciprocate or if you see me in a different light. Just let me be if you will it to be so. But know that I will always be here for you and I will be patiently waiting for the day when you can learn to love me back or when my emotions will get the best of me and I will finally give up and have a change of heart. Until then, It is you that shall linger in my memory. It is you and no one else.


I miss you already. 

Brave

I guess I could consider it some stroke of luck that I had managed to survive the first quarter of this year alive. To say that it had been the most trying months of my entire life would be an understatement. Those were the months where I had willingly gone through hell and back just to maintain status quo. Those were the moments where I would have traded anything and everything just to keep my sanity hanging down that thin thread, if it meant that I could keep us together - so I could still fight for whatever it was worth, never mind that it no longer amounted to very much. 

I groped for my own dear life because all the while I thought, I had nowhere else to go, that there was no one else that I could turn to. Little did I know that my insistent and stubborn ways only dragged me down further to that self-imposed pitfall of gloom and melancholy. I had seen it coming and yet I had resisted for the longest time. Maybe I just really wanted my heart to be torn into a million pieces before I could finally wave the white flag and succumb my wretched spirit to failure. 

I've always considered myself to be too much of a coward when it comes to my own share of reasonable and unfounded fears. Because more often than not, I would rather endure the fear of not knowing than confronting my demons. This is probably why even though I had already seen it coming, being the control-freak that I always was, I had turned my eyes away from reality and conjured up the fantasy that I would still be able to handle everything. And one day, I woke up and realized the futility of it all.

So just like that, a dark cloud had come upon me and after what seemed like an eternity of sheer unhappiness and misery, I had tasted the victory that was liberation. For the first time after a very long time, I was alone and on my own. And this only meant one thing, I was free.

I could finally let go of all my wishful thinkings and unmet expectations. I could now bid farewell to my lifelong dream of a happily-ever-after and a bright future together which I had been working and plannning for, sadly on my own. But most importantly, I can now allow my heart to just breathe - to stop hoping that things will be better, that he can find it in his heart to change or that he will finally realize that I was right after all.

None of that matters now. Because today, it's just all about me. No one else.  It's my time to take care of myself and relish this new-found freedom. And for the first time in my life, I feel brave. Though I may not know what tomorrow brings or what the future has in store, none of that worries me now. Because I know better days are yet to come.

And though the worst is not over, I am certain that soon enough, I will be okay. I just know, I will be happy again.

Not today, maybe not tomorrow still. But someday soon. 

So Let Me Dream of You

One more day, a few hours more

Ten more minutes if you must
Let me have it
Allow me to relish

If only for that smile
And that lingering look
Eyes which has stories to tell
I'd run away with you

But if this is all that we'll ever have
Then let me dream of you
So tomorrow won't be so bleak
Just let me dream of you
If that's how I can make you stay
Whatever this is, let me have it
And maybe then, I'll be fine

Make the clock stop ticking and the world just freeze
Let me bask in this moment
When you and me can make believe
That being here is all that really matters

If this is all that it is
Then I'd have to memorize
Every detail, every memory
Enough to last me my life

Grant me another moment
Let me see your face
Comfort me in my solace
Let me listen to you too
Missing you chokes me up
And only dreaming can keep me sane

But if this is all that we'll ever have
Then let me dream of you
So tomorrow won't be so bleak
Just let me dream of you
If that's how I can make you stay
Whatever this is, let me have it
And maybe then, I'll be fine

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In this lifetime, I may have written so much. Too much, at times. However, my greatest masterpiece, I would have to say, was writing lyrics and creating a song out of the words that I put together with the help of a very good friend. Looking back, that song was my catalyst for change and renewed faith. It healed me and brought me back to reality after wasted years of desperation and sheer self-destruction. 

I'm not good at writing poems, but once in a while, I try to make one. However, I intend to create a song out of this one. Maybe turning it into something worth listening to might do me justice when everything seems to be too much for me to bear. Or better yet, I hope it can somehow ease this pain in my heart, one way or another.

Because there are just days, days like these, when feeling so much and not being able to do anything about it is more like being diagnosed with a terminal illness. You know it exists and fighting it only proves to be futile. For the thing is, it's never going to go away nor are things going to get better in time. And all you can really do is just accept it.

Live with the pain and misery. And find joy in dreaming.

Die Just a Little

There's something about the rain that reminds me of you. Maybe it was because of that one rainy afternoon. Or I guess it must have been that rainy evening after the storm. For whatever reason it might be, I may not know for sure. I do know that when the skies begin to cry, I get to think of no one else but you. And all of a sudden, my heart begins to throb. Over and over again.

And tonight is no exception. I just wish you knew. Not that it would make any difference at all, but nevertheless, I wish you knew that this hasn't been very easy for me too. That if I had it my way, I would give everything up in a heartbeat just for you. But you and I both know that in the lives that we live, we were never an option to begin with. And maybe, just maybe, things are really better off that way.

I'm walking away. I'm locking it all up in my diary. I'm hiding it away in my journal. I guess it has to be this way. You and I, we never should have happened. Not yesterday, not today. Not ever. But we did because we willed it to be. And if it has to be like this for the rest of our lives, then so be it. At least I had that one moment, when you looked at me that way like no one else did and we held on to each other as if we had all the time in our hands. That was beautiful. And I'm holding on to that memory. Never mind that it means an eternity without you. That alone was more than enough.

So please let me be. Maybe it's going to take a while; but in time, we will both understand why this had to happen. Perhaps tomorrow, your memory shall cease to haunt me. And maybe then, I can get you off my mind. 


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"I just want to feel better, even for just a minute" - Grey's Anatomy

So let me wear my heart on a sleeve

(Written last October 26, 2012, 11:23 pm)

Just because you don't see me hurting doesn't mean I don't feel anything.
Just because you don't see me crying doesn't mean that I don't feel like breaking down.
And just because you see me smiling doesn't mean that I'm not feigning my emotions.
As much as I would want to show you my frailty, it all boils down to a single truth:
At the end of the day, IT WON'T CHANGE ANYTHING.

Knowing that I am in pain won't keep you from standing by the choices you've made.
Knowing that I've shed some tears won't change the circumstances that keep us apart.
Knowing that I feel the same way won't make things any better for the two of us.
Knowing that I've been missing you all this time won't change the fact that inspite of everything that had transpired, this is what's best for all of us.

I hope you do not think ill of me for doing this.
I am not good at laying my heart on the line.
This is the only way I know how to guard my heart so let it be my only defense.

Because after all that's been said and done, it doesn't really matter anyway.
And I might as well just keep it to myself.

One Day

"I need to speak to someone. Not someone - you."

My deepest darkest secrets and my greatest unfounded fears. You know everything. The worst thing you've ever done and the biggest mistake you've made. I happen to know it too. Come to think, if there is any one person that would always have my back, it would have to be you. And if there is only one person who would still believe in you even when no one else did, that would be me. 

I promised myself that I won't be watching this movie again. EVER. Although the masochistic side of me actually relishes sad endings in movies, with this one, it isn't really the ending that got into me. It was the fact that Emma and Dex made it. Although theirs was a love story that was short-lived, they nevertheless got married and ended up together. They were able to live out their lives together even with the little time that they had. And in the end, that's all that really matters. It's not how long you've stayed together, but how you've made those precious moments count and how you were able to choose to be with this one person for the rest of your life. 

I wish things could turn out to be as easy as they are being portrayed in films. Maybe the world wouldn't be as depressing as it is. And if only making a choice were as simple as leaving a person playing the piano in a jazz bar and running after the one that you truly want, then probably, lesser hearts would be left broken. Including mine.

In the real world, it just doesn't work that way. In the end, you stick up with the choices that you made, not just because of love alone, but also because you recognize that commitment plays a big factor too.  I remember you asking me once why after everything, I still chose to bear it all. I wasn't able to provide you with an answer back then. For a time there, you had me thinking and now this I have to say. He was always around even when no one else was. And he stayed, even when I had, for many times driven him away. Most importantly, he fought for me like no one else did, even during instances when I knew I didn't deserve to be fought for.  And in this gruesome world filled with apathy and deceit, that to me means everything; it is larger than life.

But that doesn't make things any easier or less baffling for me. Especially not when it involves you. There are still days when I am overwhelmed with sadness and helplessness. And there are nights like these when I wish more than anything that the circumstances had been different and that the second chance we had, shouldn't have been too late. In another life perhaps. But sadly not in this lifetime.

You're still you. And I'm still me. And in my dreams, it is still your face that lingers. And if it has to be this way, then so be it.

Nobody but you has to know anyway. 

I miss you...

A Conversation with a Friend

“In a universe of ambiguity, this kind of certainty comes only once, and never again, no matter how many lifetimes you live.” - The Bridges of Madison County

I'll say this though. I held him, for the longest time. Because I knew that he wasn’t mine to keep and that my time was coming to an end. And I wanted to remember every single detail of it. Relish at its magnificence and bask in its glory. Because in a few hours, he will no longer be with me although he was never really mine to lose anyway.  So the pain of losing something isn't there. But the exhilarating feeling that even for just a while - he was with me, beside me, and wanted me, was there.  And if I could bottle that feeling, I certainly would.

Our difference lies there. I knew that moment was not going to last. Maybe that generally stirred up the excitement.  But for me, it was more than that. Soon enough, I may find something else that I will fancy. But  I know, I will always, always have that memory.

And that’s speaking plainly :)