So Let Me Dream of You

One more day, a few hours more

Ten more minutes if you must
Let me have it
Allow me to relish

If only for that smile
And that lingering look
Eyes which has stories to tell
I'd run away with you

But if this is all that we'll ever have
Then let me dream of you
So tomorrow won't be so bleak
Just let me dream of you
If that's how I can make you stay
Whatever this is, let me have it
And maybe then, I'll be fine

Make the clock stop ticking and the world just freeze
Let me bask in this moment
When you and me can make believe
That being here is all that really matters

If this is all that it is
Then I'd have to memorize
Every detail, every memory
Enough to last me my life

Grant me another moment
Let me see your face
Comfort me in my solace
Let me listen to you too
Missing you chokes me up
And only dreaming can keep me sane

But if this is all that we'll ever have
Then let me dream of you
So tomorrow won't be so bleak
Just let me dream of you
If that's how I can make you stay
Whatever this is, let me have it
And maybe then, I'll be fine

**************************************************************************
In this lifetime, I may have written so much. Too much, at times. However, my greatest masterpiece, I would have to say, was writing lyrics and creating a song out of the words that I put together with the help of a very good friend. Looking back, that song was my catalyst for change and renewed faith. It healed me and brought me back to reality after wasted years of desperation and sheer self-destruction. 

I'm not good at writing poems, but once in a while, I try to make one. However, I intend to create a song out of this one. Maybe turning it into something worth listening to might do me justice when everything seems to be too much for me to bear. Or better yet, I hope it can somehow ease this pain in my heart, one way or another.

Because there are just days, days like these, when feeling so much and not being able to do anything about it is more like being diagnosed with a terminal illness. You know it exists and fighting it only proves to be futile. For the thing is, it's never going to go away nor are things going to get better in time. And all you can really do is just accept it.

Live with the pain and misery. And find joy in dreaming.

Die Just a Little

There's something about the rain that reminds me of you. Maybe it was because of that one rainy afternoon. Or I guess it must have been that rainy evening after the storm. For whatever reason it might be, I may not know for sure. I do know that when the skies begin to cry, I get to think of no one else but you. And all of a sudden, my heart begins to throb. Over and over again.

And tonight is no exception. I just wish you knew. Not that it would make any difference at all, but nevertheless, I wish you knew that this hasn't been very easy for me too. That if I had it my way, I would give everything up in a heartbeat just for you. But you and I both know that in the lives that we live, we were never an option to begin with. And maybe, just maybe, things are really better off that way.

I'm walking away. I'm locking it all up in my diary. I'm hiding it away in my journal. I guess it has to be this way. You and I, we never should have happened. Not yesterday, not today. Not ever. But we did because we willed it to be. And if it has to be like this for the rest of our lives, then so be it. At least I had that one moment, when you looked at me that way like no one else did and we held on to each other as if we had all the time in our hands. That was beautiful. And I'm holding on to that memory. Never mind that it means an eternity without you. That alone was more than enough.

So please let me be. Maybe it's going to take a while; but in time, we will both understand why this had to happen. Perhaps tomorrow, your memory shall cease to haunt me. And maybe then, I can get you off my mind. 


**************************************************************************

"I just want to feel better, even for just a minute" - Grey's Anatomy

So let me wear my heart on a sleeve

(Written last October 26, 2012, 11:23 pm)

Just because you don't see me hurting doesn't mean I don't feel anything.
Just because you don't see me crying doesn't mean that I don't feel like breaking down.
And just because you see me smiling doesn't mean that I'm not feigning my emotions.
As much as I would want to show you my frailty, it all boils down to a single truth:
At the end of the day, IT WON'T CHANGE ANYTHING.

Knowing that I am in pain won't keep you from standing by the choices you've made.
Knowing that I've shed some tears won't change the circumstances that keep us apart.
Knowing that I feel the same way won't make things any better for the two of us.
Knowing that I've been missing you all this time won't change the fact that inspite of everything that had transpired, this is what's best for all of us.

I hope you do not think ill of me for doing this.
I am not good at laying my heart on the line.
This is the only way I know how to guard my heart so let it be my only defense.

Because after all that's been said and done, it doesn't really matter anyway.
And I might as well just keep it to myself.

One Day

"I need to speak to someone. Not someone - you."

My deepest darkest secrets and my greatest unfounded fears. You know everything. The worst thing you've ever done and the biggest mistake you've made. I happen to know it too. Come to think, if there is any one person that would always have my back, it would have to be you. And if there is only one person who would still believe in you even when no one else did, that would be me. 

I promised myself that I won't be watching this movie again. EVER. Although the masochistic side of me actually relishes sad endings in movies, with this one, it isn't really the ending that got into me. It was the fact that Emma and Dex made it. Although theirs was a love story that was short-lived, they nevertheless got married and ended up together. They were able to live out their lives together even with the little time that they had. And in the end, that's all that really matters. It's not how long you've stayed together, but how you've made those precious moments count and how you were able to choose to be with this one person for the rest of your life. 

I wish things could turn out to be as easy as they are being portrayed in films. Maybe the world wouldn't be as depressing as it is. And if only making a choice were as simple as leaving a person playing the piano in a jazz bar and running after the one that you truly want, then probably, lesser hearts would be left broken. Including mine.

In the real world, it just doesn't work that way. In the end, you stick up with the choices that you made, not just because of love alone, but also because you recognize that commitment plays a big factor too.  I remember you asking me once why after everything, I still chose to bear it all. I wasn't able to provide you with an answer back then. For a time there, you had me thinking and now this I have to say. He was always around even when no one else was. And he stayed, even when I had, for many times driven him away. Most importantly, he fought for me like no one else did, even during instances when I knew I didn't deserve to be fought for.  And in this gruesome world filled with apathy and deceit, that to me means everything; it is larger than life.

But that doesn't make things any easier or less baffling for me. Especially not when it involves you. There are still days when I am overwhelmed with sadness and helplessness. And there are nights like these when I wish more than anything that the circumstances had been different and that the second chance we had, shouldn't have been too late. In another life perhaps. But sadly not in this lifetime.

You're still you. And I'm still me. And in my dreams, it is still your face that lingers. And if it has to be this way, then so be it.

Nobody but you has to know anyway. 

I miss you...

A Conversation with a Friend

“In a universe of ambiguity, this kind of certainty comes only once, and never again, no matter how many lifetimes you live.” - The Bridges of Madison County

I'll say this though. I held him, for the longest time. Because I knew that he wasn’t mine to keep and that my time was coming to an end. And I wanted to remember every single detail of it. Relish at its magnificence and bask in its glory. Because in a few hours, he will no longer be with me although he was never really mine to lose anyway.  So the pain of losing something isn't there. But the exhilarating feeling that even for just a while - he was with me, beside me, and wanted me, was there.  And if I could bottle that feeling, I certainly would.

Our difference lies there. I knew that moment was not going to last. Maybe that generally stirred up the excitement.  But for me, it was more than that. Soon enough, I may find something else that I will fancy. But  I know, I will always, always have that memory.

And that’s speaking plainly :)

Maintain Status Quo

"Sometimes keeping the memory is good enough."

I know you're probably just as troubled as I am. Baffled might be a better term. Almost desperate, if I may say. Perhaps helpless too. I wish I could tell you that you are not alone. That I've been feeling things as well. But I guess it would be adequate to say that it is what it is. And it would be in the best interest of all for us to leave it at that. 

Of Tidal Waves and Riverbeds

They say that it is never right to live a life in regret. And it is precisely because of this fact why there are those who tell us to not look back and dwell on days gone by. After all, you can only endure so much shame and remorse, but at the end of the day, it doesn't really change anything. Maybe that's the thing about regrets. At the end of the day, they're just that - Guilt Feelings. Nothing more and Nothing less.

I have chosen to rub this off and allow time and space to heal this minor injury which has been caused by my own recklessness. From the very beginning, I knew it wasn't right but I went along with it anyway. Several times, I had even attempted to rationalize and justify my actions. I kept telling myself that I knew my limits and I would never cross my boundaries. I might just have kept my word because I think I never did. Nevertheless, I have not emerged unscathed. Looking back to everything that's been said and done, I realized now that more than the pain, deceit and false hope, the worst kind of damage that anyone could ever really inflict are those that you had never really intended to cause.

This tumultuous affair had almost cost me everything. Even more, it had allowed me to betray someone who has done nothing but offer me his utter love and devotion. I will always regret that I had hurt the one person who managed to stand his ground and trust me completely even when I didn't deserve any of it. I had allowed him to suffer in silence out of my own selfish indulgence.

I wasn't looking for trouble, nor had I intended to find something I might fancy. At a point in time in my life when I valued certainty and direction more than anything, I was not up for any more games. How our paths had crossed and why we were drawn to each other, maybe it was by chance. But then again, maybe not. Probably we had allowed ourselves to fall  into that vicious trap, unmindful of the consequences. I guess we were too caught up with ourselves that for a time there, we had both forgotten that we were living separate realities. Or maybe we both knew that that was all we really could ever have with each other. And so we groped for what it was worth, never mind that it was not going to last.

And I should've never allowed you to come too close. I should have kept my distance too had I known that it would turn out to be this way. But how could I have resisted a tidal wave that came crashing into me out of nowhere, only to revive my dampened spirit and desolate soul? How could I have ignored the late night phone calls and the endless conversations that made me look forward to each waking day? Who would refuse company and a big umbrella on a rainy day? And how could I have ever turned down a cold afternoon with you, sipping coffee, studying and talking like the day was never going to end? I knew that it was a now-or-never opportunity; it was our only chance. And I impulsively grabbed it because I thought it was worth the risk.

And that was my biggest mistake -to have placed almost everything on the line, for a cheap thrill. I had allowed somebody to put up with my untruths, with him all the while knowing what I was really up to.  And yet, despite his knowledge, he placed his faith on me that I wouldn't let go of his hand even when I almost did. I had almost given up on the one person who never gave up on me. But in my weakest moments, he kept on and showed me that ours was a love that was worth fighting for, until the very end.

I am glad that I had come to my senses and balked out before it was too late. It must have been my guardian angel telling me to step back. Or maybe it was you, finally realizing that we were now treading on dangerous grounds because our emotions have gotten the best of us. Probably too, it was him, constantly praying that I would finally see the light and cherish a love that had endured and weathered through so many trials and tribulations, all these years.

You are my biggest regret. I didn't need you to come into my life and disrupt my tranquility. But you did and it's going to take a while for me to mend these broken pieces of my already battered heart. It's astonishing how in the shortest span of time, you must have really gotten into my system. For out of the many instances that the law of attraction could have taken its toll on me, I couldn't have chosen such an unforgiving time.  And out of the million and one people with which I could have sparked a remarkable connection with, it had to be you.

In another life, when the odds are not against us and the circumstances we are in would be different, maybe I can learn to trust my emotions again. But right now, I owe it to myself to fix the mess that I made and put things back in its rightful places. It might take a while, I know. But I will get there because I am with this one person who has chosen to endure even the worst of me. And it is where I am gaining strength to make it through. If it makes any difference at all, I have you to be grateful for. Your existence made him realize that where I am is where he wants to remain after all. And with that, there is nothing more that I could ask for.