Post-Humous

*When we were together, I never really wrote anything for you. So let me make it up to you now.

I have finally forgiven myself and with it came the realization that our story was a necessary happenstance. It took a while to comprehend but it is perfectly clear to me now.

Please know that you are truly forgiven now. Be free and be at peace in heaven. 

Written: May 10, 2025*

I saw our good friend today. We had brunch and coffee. And we talked about you.

She was the one who knew everything that we had gone through together. And when you passed, I honestly longed for her to hold me.

When she hugged me today, I felt like crying. Because I remembered you.

I told her how your passing troubled me. How it took me a while to process and accept everything. I told her I was okay now and that I have made my peace with you.

But she told me things about you that I never would have known in this lifetime. She made me understand you in a different light. 

Thank you for your love. It was not perfect but I know now that it was real. You loved me deeply and passionately and I never really knew. Please know that all was not in vain.

I now think of you fondly because of the love that you’ve shown me. You helped me go through a very difficult time in my life and even when I pushed you away, you never left my side. I’m only sorry that it took me 20 years to figure it out. 

While I know things would not have turned out differently and that you and I were never really meant to end up together, I know now that our story was meant to happen. In my youth, God granted me the privilege to relish in your love. He allowed you to come into my life so I can marvel in your kindness. He intended for us to  meet and be a part of each other’s lives, never mind that it was only for a while. 

All the pain and bitterness that you’ve caused me have been replaced with nothing but nostalgia. Time really does heal old wounds. And after all is said and done, I realize now that you have left me with nothing but bittersweet memories of my yesteryears. Everything that happened, now made sense. We shared something beautiful and I never really knew. 

I have finally come to realize that our story came with a purpose. Our lives needed to intersect. We were drawn towards each other because what we had was special and it was worth cherishing, even if it was not meant to last. 

Please believe that once upon a time, I loved you too. You mattered to me and for that you are never forgotten. I will always hold your memories dear to my heart. 

I hope you’re grinning from ear to ear up there because the earth misses your smile.

What Dreams Are For

 * Days before you passed, your colleagues said you were being sentimental and wondered if people would still remember you even when you are gone. I hope you've found the answer to your question now. Written: 01/13/2025*

It was December 30th.

2 months after you passed on.

You appeared in my dreams.

We talked like old friends.

We were smiling and laughing.

And then all of sudden, I realized that you were already gone.

So I took the opportunity to tell you what I never had the chance to say.

I told you I was sorry and that I really loved you back then. That I hope you had forgiven me for causing you pain.

You told me that I did not have to apologize and that you were really sorry too.

You said that what we had was real. 

That you never really stopped loving me. 

And this time around, I finally believed you. 

Thank you for allowing me to heal and for giving me the closure that I never knew I needed after all these years. 

You may be gone but you are never forgotten. 

I will always remember you in the songs that you used to sing,

And in the music that you have shared with me, once upon a time. 

From now on, I will think of you fondly and storm the heavens with prayers for your eternal peace.

For You

* On October 30, 2024,  someone who was once close to my heart passed away. I did not know how to process the grief. Over time, I realized that it would be a great dishonor not to preserve his memory in the best way I know how. Happy Birthday in heaven, Pau. I did not forget. 😉 Written: 11/06/2024 *

I have never been good with goodbyes.

And especially not with death.

Even more when I least expect it.

I was not prepared for your passing.

All the more its impact on me.

You and I were always just a thing of the past.

A distant memory.

I thought I had you all figured out all these years.

But I really didn’t.

And for that I am truly sorry. 

I focused on the bad and forgot all the good.

I only remembered your mistake and disregarded all your efforts.

I never believed that you really loved me. Until now.

All those times that I kept pushing you away, you nevertheless persisted.

And even when I couldn’t care any less, you took good care of me and looked out for me.

You were never my priority. You were just my second option. But you loved me anyway.

And all this time, I discounted your emotions and did not even bother. I thought you made a fool out of me and only played with my feelings.

And even when you asked for atonement many years after, I brushed you off and didn’t think you were sincere.

You had to pass on for me to realize that your feelings were genuine and that what we had was real.

I am so sorry for taking you for granted and for belittling your feelings for me. I’m sorry that I was so consumed in my own emotions that I paid no heed to the attention you were showering me.

I realize now that we were both young and reckless. And though we did try to make it work, we just lacked the maturity to keep it together.

And that’s okay. All is forgiven. 

I have nothing but love and respect for you now.

When we broke up, I remember I wrote you a letter. I told you that I never really loved you.

That was a complete and utter lie.

You were my first real one. My first in everything. And I will never forget what we had.

I really did love you. I just lacked the means to reciprocate in the best way at that time.

Thank you for coming into my life. Never mind that it was only for a short while. I realize now why God orchestrated for our paths to meet.

You and I, we were meant to happen.

I was meant to marvel at your existence.

I was meant to experience the kindness of your heart. So lucky me.

Rest well now. Be at peace in God’s loving embrace.