Closure

Here is something that I wrote almost seven years ago. I wrote this for someone who at some point in time, meant the world to me until fate had finally decided that we could no longer be part of each other's lives. For a time, I refused to acknowledge the impact of such loss. I dared not speak of it in the hopes that I could just completely shun it off my system. 

Nobody knew that it had haunted me for so long. It evoked negative emotions that I could barely handle on my own. And for so long a time, I refused to forgive myself for everything that has happened. 

I had always thought that death was the most terrible thing. Until I discovered the betrayal of a friend. 

This person had me in my best years. Probably the best pieces that I have ever written, they were all about him - our friendship and the love that we never acknowledged, much less acted on. 

But for the past few years, I had only been writing bitter diatribes. I was consumed by a pain for a loss that I had never been able to comprehend for so long. 

Until now.

I realized that I had to lose you. You had to hurt me because I would have never stopped loving you. It was the only way. I couldn't face the truth that we were never really meant to be. 

I tried to be stubborn but God wouldn't have it any other way. He had prepared me for someone better. 

I can only look back now and heave a sigh of relief. I had finally come to terms with everything.

I had already forgiven you a long time ago . And I will never forget the kindness of your heart when you were well. 

 

I am keeping the good memories. This is how I will remember you as my very best friend. 

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Written - 16 August 2016

And it pretty much boils down to the same thing when it comes to my emotions. It's always been there. It has never left since. It may have evolved; it may have taken a different form. But the truth is, it has always been lurking somewhere within me. And try as I may to shun away from it, I know deep within me, it will always linger and won't go away.

I have loved you for so long that it is not well within my heart to throw it all away. I cannot unlove you. The entire system of my being refuses to. I guess there is something about young love that cannot die a natural death. It doesn't just rob you off your innocence, it steals away an integral part of yourself that you will never be able to recover. You just get on with your own life knowing that the world won't stop for your grief. And then eventually, you learn to move on. But that hole in your heart, it seeps right through you and unfortunately remains to be a gap that cannot be filled much like a wound out of a tooth extraction - the pain doesn't linger when the wound heals, but the tooth will always be missing. 

And I will always miss you. And I will always wish that you were still around. That charismatic smile of yours remains to be imprinted and my eyes never light up the way they do whenever we are together. But it has taken an eternity for us to figure out what we really meant to each other and so much has happened since then. A lot has changed. I wish I could say that I was still the same girl that I was back then. But when we both decided to tread on different paths ten years ago, I guess with it came the decision that we will not be sharing a life together. Because that girl you once knew is gone. She has changed for the better. She has moved on. She has made her life choices which she tirelessly worked for. She thus chooses to stand by them even if it means not being with you. And though the intensity of my emotions has unceasingly remained to be at a standstill, we both know that the stars have not aligned to our favor in this lifetime. 

I can only love you from a distance, never too close enough lest run the risk of burning. But I will continue to love you from where I am. That is something that I do not need to promise as it is an obligation which my weary heart has imposed upon myself without any reservation. The fact that we are not together doesn't change anything. It doesn't diminish the pain of longing nor the misery of our parting. If at all, it has only transcended into a different level. Because I continue to love you even when you're not around - even when there is absolutely nothing to hold on to because logic and reason is of no moment to a heart that beats this way only for you. 

And I want you to know that I also understand why you have chosen to maintain your distance and keep your silence. It has taken a while for me to fathom, but I have always accorded your wisdom and your ability to perceive things with great weight. I know you have your own reasons for wanting to stay away. And if this is your version of coping and dealing with our separate realities, then I can do nothing but to respect your course of action although it does not make it any less painful nor the entire process any less cumbersome. I will always miss you like the sun misses the moon.

In a different lifetime, maybe all this will make sense. For now, my heart remains right where it was. And you are forever etched on it. 

Reminiscing in the Midst of this Pandemic

On First Impressions

We were classmates for a year and yet not once did we speak to each other. You found me too loud and unruly and all the while I thought of you as snobbish.

Fast forward to 2013. It was the first semester of my junior year in law school. After class, we were having dinner at a burger joint that your bestfriend owned. You offered to share a milkshake with me because I told you I couldn’t finish one all by myself. You kept me entertained the entire time as you made faces and mimicked one of our professors in class. You were ridiculously funny and I was laughing my heart out. It was then that I realized that first impressions shouldn’t really matter so much. You proved me wrong because you weren’t so bad after all. 

And back then really, who would have known what the future had in store for us both? 😊

Not three

Three months. That was how long I had planned to get through all my heartaches and move on with my life. I've prided myself over the fact that I am always able to program my system to easily adapt to changes in a span of 3 months. With that amount of time, I am able to adjust to a new environment or circumstance in my life - be it a different workplace or a new relationship.  This one is going to be just like the rest. Or so I thought.

But just recently, I've realized that I'm no robot. And it was foolish of me to box myself up and reduce all of my emotions into a measly three-month rule. Because I don't operate that way. 

Maybe I've just been too unhappy for the longest time that at some point, I really wanted to get it over and done with. I immersed myself into this make-shift reality where my deepest darkest pain and longing were locked up and all I could feel was temporary bliss. I set my standards at a minimum and attached myself to  a particular level of joy which I knew was only fleeting and impermanent. 

I feigned happiness but I knew better. Because I know that three months is not enough and it is going to take me a while for me to get my life back on track. 

Moving on doesnt just happen. And three months is not ample time. Not when my heart has been ripped open and completely torn apart. Not when your grandmother has not lived long enough to see you fulfill your lifelong dream. Not when your bestfriend of 13 years betrayed your trust during your most vulnerable time. And especially not when the love of your life, the one person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with, suddenly disappears in the middle of nowhere, leaving you and your heart in shambles. 

I need more time. And I need to figure this one out on my own. Some things just cant be rushed and that there are those that cant be forced. Especially when all your instincts tell you that it's just not meant to be to begin with anyway.

So I will allow the Divine Master to take control and maneuver his way into my life. I absolutely have no idea where I'm headed and what my future has in store. But I trust him enough that better things are coming my way. 

For now, I will be brave, courage and fearless. Even if it means being alone. 

Not Goodbye, But Til We Meet Again

I’ve never been good with my emotions. That I know for certain. But I have always had a knack for words. Sometimes I use them to the best of my ability to preserve a memory, to encapsulate a moment, and to honor a wonderful person. And this is why tonight, I have chosen to write about you; because the world needs to know about you. They need to know how brilliant and stupendously great you were and that it was awfully tragic that they have not been given the privilege of knowing you in this lifetime. I still vividly remember everything so well, you know. They might as well be forever embedded on my mind.

I can still recall, it was a Thursday when I first met you. To you and your friends, it was what you know as Trivia Night. You and your best buddies would gather at this local place every Thursday night to join a weekly Trivia Quiz where you formed a team which was named after your own barkada. I remembered that you were grinning from ear to ear when you met me. You had this warm smile that made me feel so welcome. After the event, you and your friends would eat at your diner to either celebrate your victory or console and laugh together when you would mess up the answers during the event. It was my first time to join back then and you made me feel so at ease, as if I was already part of the team for such a long time. I remember that you really went out of your way to talk to me because you obviously did not want me to feel out of place. And I was very grateful to you for that. At that instant, I knew that you were one genuinely great guy. The weeks passed and I found myself looking forward to joining you guys every Thursday Night. To me, it served as my weekly respite from the horrors of school. I remember that I would be so ashamed if I couldn't contribute a single answer to the team. Not that it really mattered because it seemed as if you were our one-man team. From Geography to Sports and even Stock Exchange, you seemed to have answers to the questions from out of nowhere. Back then, the closest that we've gotten to was only Third Place. But it didn't really matter because we were all having a grand time as we were exhausting our brain cells and draining our wits out even if we didn't win. It was the hope that we had a fighting chance that always kept us going. And this went on for a good two years. You and your friends managed to keep in touch and meet up every Thursday until the local place decided to do away with the Trivia Night.

During those few times that I was able to join you, I have come to know how smart you were. Your bestfriend would always go on to tell me that you have always been a league of your own. He would tell me that way back during your high school days, you used to sleep your way off in class but still manage to ace all your exams. Even my sister who was your batchmate in College, had nothing but good words for you because you were really a force to reckon with - one brilliant mind. And yet despite your excellence, you kept your feet on the ground. You were always so kind to everyone and at some point, I've always thought that you were one of those very rare few who didn't have a bad bone. You reminded me so much of a good friend who was once very close to me back in the days. It was weird because I saw so much of him in you in many ways and yet you were so unlike him too in more ways than one. I would say that you both were equally amazing individuals. Like you, his name was placed on big tarpaulins displayed on our school numerous times as he won several competitions representing our Alma Mater. And just like you, our professors would be so baffled as he always managed to make it to the honor's list even without trying. I've always told my friends that you were so much like him, only that you were a kinder and better version of him. The similarity ended there I guess. To me, you both were two of the most incredibly intelligent men that I've ever come to know. But you weren't even half the monster of a man that he once was to me. In summary, therein lies the great distinction.

I remember that you joined us in a few of our study sessions. Your bestfriend and I were living in a tight budget at that time and being the sensitive person that you always were, you must have figured that out even without us mentioning it because you treated us with pizza. You brought with you your Med Books and studied with us until the wee hours of the night. I remember we were studying Banking Laws and much to my amazement, you knew the difference between commercial banks from universal banks better than I did even without you batting an eyelash. That was indeed a moment of self-defeat for a Junior Law Student like me.

Not only were you an excellent student, you were endowed with exemplary leadership skills as well as you were the President of your Fraternity in the School of Medicine. I remember we were having lunch with you one time where you excitedly told us your plans for your administration and asked for our suggestions although when we knew you would manage well even without our ideas. And even in your own barkada, you were the unsung leader of the group. You would always be the contact person and organizer for all events. You were the bond that made them all stick together, even up to now.

You were a wonderful brother too and you loved your family more than anything. I know this because in our conversations, you spoke so highly about your Mom and Dad. And you would always talk about endearing memories that you've shared with Ate En and Bling. And you dearly loved and adored Nica. To you, she meant the world. I remember looking at you both and thinking how great a couple you were. It seemed as if you were really made for each other.

Most of all, you were the greatest friend anyone could ever ask for. When your bestfriend needed you the most, you were there for him. You moved heaven and earth just to be able help him. When he transferred to another school, I remember that you would call him every single day to check on him and how you would even call me as well when you couldn't reach his line just so you'd know how he was. You never stopped checking on him until you were certain that he was doing fine. As an outsider looking in, I knew just how much you both meant to each other. You always had each other's backs and the two of you were not just the best of friends. You were brothers.

The night you left, I really wished I'd called you. I have been meaning to at that time and to this day, I wished I'd told you that your bestfriend needed you again. That same week, his dad was diagnosed with cancer. I did not know how to console him back then and I knew that you were the only person who could talk some sense into him. Most of all, I knew that you were the only one who could make him listen. If only for that, I would have hoped that you'd find a reason to stay - maybe not for long, but if only for one more day. To him, for the both of us, that would have made a big difference. We haven't had enough of you, Pao. We would give anything to have you back because we are missing you so much and it's never been the same.

The day you left was the day that the heavens welcomed an angel into their kingdom and the day that the earth cried and mourned with much grief. The world lost a budding entreprenuer, a brilliant doctor, a loving son and an amazing friend. It felt as if my heart was ripped open and cut into half. I remember crying so hard from a long bus ride because I just couldn't believe that I will never get to see you smile again. I've always marveled at clouds but I swear I've never looked up the skies in the same way now that you're not around anymore. I comfort myself with the thought that you're probably just lurking somewhere up there, happily looking down and watching over us.

During your birthday last year, you friends and I were at your place and we celebrated the life that you lived. We contented ourselves with the pictures around us. Seeing you smile through the photos gives us the strength to forge on, knowing that you are in a happier and better place now. It will never be the same you know but with time, we will all heal.

With your passing, I have come to realize that life is so short and things can change in a blink of an eye. To those who hold you dear in their hearts and who have had the chance to marvel at the life that you lived, I know they will all agree with me in saying that we would give anything if only we could spend a few more years and have more memories with you. And even if you had already told me when I dreamt of you once that it was indeed your time to go, still we wish with all our hearts that we had so much more. Because the world has not had enough of one great man.

And I think I never got the chance to thank you enough. And that is what I regret the most. Thank you for being all that you are to us. Thank you for being his bestfriend. He would not have been half the man that he is now, had he not been your friend. And although he and I are no longer together, I have not become bitter and remorseful. If anything, I still feel blessed because that relationship had caused me to have been given the opportunity to become your friend. And that is more than enough reason for me to still be grateful. Most importantly, Pao, Thank you for being brave - for yourself and for all of us. Only God knows the kind of battle that you've been treading on for the longest time and yet you put up a real good fight. And with your passing, there was only one thing that you took away and nothing more - our hearts. And that's why our love for you will never go away. Thank you for teaching us the value of life and love. I will always be grateful that I have had the privilege of knowing you. I thank the Lord for Divine Intervention that he had allowed us to meet. You are sui generis. And I am lucky enough to have been given the chance to marvel at your greatness.

It was indeed a pleasure meeting you. So long and til we meet again.

"Lost love is still love, Eddie. It just takes a different form, that's all. You can't hold their hand... You can't tousle their hair... But when those senses weaken another one comes to life... Memory... Memory becomes your partner. You hold it... you dance with it... Life has to end, Eddie... Love doesn't." - The Five People You Meet In Heaven, Mitch Albom

"Stories have to be told or they die, and when they die,we can't remember who we are or why we're here.” - The Secret Life of the Bees, Sue Monk Kidd

The Greatest Tragedy

It started with a note. Thus, I deem it proper to end it with one. 

As my favorite singer/songwriter puts it, "When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part." However, I strongly beg to disagree. I contend that this is not so. It is during the wee hours of the night when you want nothing else but for sleep to take over your lifeless soul and weary spirit. It is the endless, pointless turning and laying back and forth, trying to drown everything away in dreamland but you are left forlorn and desolate, because you cannot think of anything else but him; it is during those moments when you have a myriad of questions but such few answers. It is when you try to give yourself a pat on the back because you've managed to be okay the entire day, only to realize that you will again sob yourself to sleep tonight. Most of all, it is when you sleep with your broken heart with the thought in mind that tomorrow, when you wake up, pretty much nothing will have changed. You are still lost, shattered, and all alone. That I must say, is the biggest tragedy of a broken heart.

And there is no telling how and when you can be able to mend everything and rise up from the devastation. There is no prescriptive period in such instance. Nor can laches be invoked in this case. In law, you can argue that one has slept on their rights. In love however, you cannot just sleep on your emotions. Because there is no final judgment or arbitral award that fixes the period upon which you shall serve the penalty. There is no judge or arbiter that will tell you how long its going to take for you to get your life back on track - you need to figure it out on your own because the world does not stop for your grief. 

The pain lingers and you can't just make it all go away. There is no medication that can alleviate the suffering. Every single time, you can choose to wear a mask of happiness but at the end of the day, you know that while you may be able to fool others, you can never feign your true emotions, at least not to yourself. 

But out of everything else, it is the part where I get to really miss you that breaks me the most. Knowing that I'll never be able to go back to that restaurant and relish my favorite dish with you or get to see that Star Wars movie which we had been raving to watch together bites me. Realizing that you will never be able to cook that recipe which you had wanted to prepare for my family at home or share our favorite burger and that heavenly ice cream together shatters my heart into a million pieces. I guess we would no longer be able to relish the joy of seeing ourselves take that Lawyer's Oath together as we fulfill our shared aspiration - one that we have toiled for so many painstaking years in Law School. And we will never be able to build a family together as we wont get to raise our little Sofia and Vito as we had planned. They were dreams that we had built together on solid ground. But we never really got there. Now they have crumbled into the ground, swallowed by the pit of nothingness. And all that is left are our scarred and wretched hearts. 

You and I both know that our journey ends here. You can beg me to stay and I can tell you not to go; but deep inside us, we both know that this is all for the best as this has been long overdue. I wish we could tell each other that what we feel is enough to sustain and keep us going and holding on to this. But you and I both know that it isn't. It's not enough. Through time and the many things that have happened around us, we've become different individuals with conflicting priorities and needs and sadly, we have grown apart. And as much as the pain kills and sweeps the life out of me, I know that this is how things must be. Our time is up. And we are just better off living our lives separately.

I am taking all the good with the bad, the bitter with the sweet. Our memories are not going anywhere. They are forever etched. What we had was real and I will always be grateful. And this is why I am choosing not to delete anything because I know that I can never undo three beautifully poignant years of my life with you. I am keeping them close to my heart if that is the only way that I can be reminded that once in my life, you marvelously came and made me feel how it is to be truly loved. Sweet, Surreal, Imperfectly Beautiful, yet Fleeting and Impermanent. 

The future appears bleak and dreary but I know that one day, all this will finally make sense. It may take a while but I know we'll both get to where we should be. And until that day comes, I will take comfort knowing that you and I will learn to be happy again someday, even if it means not being together. 

"You bleed because you know the wound cut so deep. But eventually, you will regain your strength. Because nature has its own way of healing. Such is the constancy of change."

Sweet and Surreal

 

(September 23, 2013 at 1:29am)

 

I've always thought that fantasies will always be just conjured-up illusions in my delusional head and that dreams are but mere illusions of my neurotic and overly-rational self. After all the bitter tragedies that have come crashing in my years of existence, I had myself believe that my pot of gold was nowhere to be found and that a rainbow, is really just that. A rainbow.

And then you happened. And nothing has ever been the same.

I can come up with several terms - Good Karma, God's Grace, My Miracle, Answered Prayer - but it would do you no justice to reduce into a few words all that you are to me and what you have done to my life. In a split second,you revived my dampened spirit, relieved my broken soul and remolded my battered heart. After which, my life has never been the same again.

You are everything that I had long dreamed of and all that I hoped to be. And I can only bow down in utter gratitude and storm the heavens with praise and thanksgiving because he brought you to me. At a time when I had sunken at my lowest of lows, you came to wake me from my slumber and bring me renewed faith and hope in my life. You showed me that I deserved to be happy and that I can be loved, cherished and appreciated in the best way there is.

You made me believe that my dreams are worth fighting and waking up for - every single day. And because of that, I am forever changed.

It may have been Fate, Destiny or Serendipity. I don't really care. But somewhere along the way, I must have done something right. All the sacrifices, the pain and the misery that have almost cost me my sanity, they must have meant something after all - because they led me straight to you.

I can put all of that behind me now, heave a sigh of relief and pat my back. The worst is finally over. And the best is yet to come. :)