Post-Humous

*When we were together, I never really wrote anything for you. So let me make it up to you now.

I have finally forgiven myself and with it came the realization that our story was a necessary happenstance. It took a while to comprehend but it is perfectly clear to me now.

Please know that you are truly forgiven now. Be free and be at peace in heaven. 

Written: May 10, 2025*

I saw our good friend today. We had brunch and coffee. And we talked about you.

She was the one who knew everything that we had gone through together. And when you passed, I honestly longed for her to hold me.

When she hugged me today, I felt like crying. Because I remembered you.

I told her how your passing troubled me. How it took me a while to process and accept everything. I told her I was okay now and that I have made my peace with you.

But she told me things about you that I never would have known in this lifetime. She made me understand you in a different light. 

Thank you for your love. It was not perfect but I know now that it was real. You loved me deeply and passionately and I never really knew. Please know that all was not in vain.

I now think of you fondly because of the love that you’ve shown me. You helped me go through a very difficult time in my life and even when I pushed you away, you never left my side. I’m only sorry that it took me 20 years to figure it out. 

While I know things would not have turned out differently and that you and I were never really meant to end up together, I know now that our story was meant to happen. In my youth, God granted me the privilege to relish in your love. He allowed you to come into my life so I can marvel in your kindness. He intended for us to  meet and be a part of each other’s lives, never mind that it was only for a while. 

All the pain and bitterness that you’ve caused me have been replaced with nothing but nostalgia. Time really does heal old wounds. And after all is said and done, I realize now that you have left me with nothing but bittersweet memories of my yesteryears. Everything that happened, now made sense. We shared something beautiful and I never really knew. 

I have finally come to realize that our story came with a purpose. Our lives needed to intersect. We were drawn towards each other because what we had was special and it was worth cherishing, even if it was not meant to last. 

Please believe that once upon a time, I loved you too. You mattered to me and for that you are never forgotten. I will always hold your memories dear to my heart. 

I hope you’re grinning from ear to ear up there because the earth misses your smile.

What Dreams Are For

 * Days before you passed, your colleagues said you were being sentimental and wondered if people would still remember you even when you are gone. I hope you've found the answer to your question now. Written: 01/13/2025*

It was December 30th.

2 months after you passed on.

You appeared in my dreams.

We talked like old friends.

We were smiling and laughing.

And then all of sudden, I realized that you were already gone.

So I took the opportunity to tell you what I never had the chance to say.

I told you I was sorry and that I really loved you back then. That I hope you had forgiven me for causing you pain.

You told me that I did not have to apologize and that you were really sorry too.

You said that what we had was real. 

That you never really stopped loving me. 

And this time around, I finally believed you. 

Thank you for allowing me to heal and for giving me the closure that I never knew I needed after all these years. 

You may be gone but you are never forgotten. 

I will always remember you in the songs that you used to sing,

And in the music that you have shared with me, once upon a time. 

From now on, I will think of you fondly and storm the heavens with prayers for your eternal peace.

For You

* On October 30, 2024,  someone who was once close to my heart passed away. I did not know how to process the grief. Over time, I realized that it would be a great dishonor not to preserve his memory in the best way I know how. Happy Birthday in heaven, Pau. I did not forget. 😉 Written: 11/06/2024 *

I have never been good with goodbyes.

And especially not with death.

Even more when I least expect it.

I was not prepared for your passing.

All the more its impact on me.

You and I were always just a thing of the past.

A distant memory.

I thought I had you all figured out all these years.

But I really didn’t.

And for that I am truly sorry. 

I focused on the bad and forgot all the good.

I only remembered your mistake and disregarded all your efforts.

I never believed that you really loved me. Until now.

All those times that I kept pushing you away, you nevertheless persisted.

And even when I couldn’t care any less, you took good care of me and looked out for me.

You were never my priority. You were just my second option. But you loved me anyway.

And all this time, I discounted your emotions and did not even bother. I thought you made a fool out of me and only played with my feelings.

And even when you asked for atonement many years after, I brushed you off and didn’t think you were sincere.

You had to pass on for me to realize that your feelings were genuine and that what we had was real.

I am so sorry for taking you for granted and for belittling your feelings for me. I’m sorry that I was so consumed in my own emotions that I paid no heed to the attention you were showering me.

I realize now that we were both young and reckless. And though we did try to make it work, we just lacked the maturity to keep it together.

And that’s okay. All is forgiven. 

I have nothing but love and respect for you now.

When we broke up, I remember I wrote you a letter. I told you that I never really loved you.

That was a complete and utter lie.

You were my first real one. My first in everything. And I will never forget what we had.

I really did love you. I just lacked the means to reciprocate in the best way at that time.

Thank you for coming into my life. Never mind that it was only for a short while. I realize now why God orchestrated for our paths to meet.

You and I, we were meant to happen.

I was meant to marvel at your existence.

I was meant to experience the kindness of your heart. So lucky me.

Rest well now. Be at peace in God’s loving embrace. 

Closure

Here is something that I wrote almost seven years ago. I wrote this for someone who at some point in time, meant the world to me until fate had finally decided that we could no longer be part of each other's lives. For a time, I refused to acknowledge the impact of such loss. I dared not speak of it in the hopes that I could just completely shun it off my system. 

Nobody knew that it had haunted me for so long. It evoked negative emotions that I could barely handle on my own. And for so long a time, I refused to forgive myself for everything that has happened. 

I had always thought that death was the most terrible thing. Until I discovered the betrayal of a friend. 

This person had me in my best years. Probably the best pieces that I have ever written, they were all about him - our friendship and the love that we never acknowledged, much less acted on. 

But for the past few years, I had only been writing bitter diatribes. I was consumed by a pain for a loss that I had never been able to comprehend for so long. 

Until now.

I realized that I had to lose you. You had to hurt me because I would have never stopped loving you. It was the only way. I couldn't face the truth that we were never really meant to be. 

I tried to be stubborn but God wouldn't have it any other way. He had prepared me for someone better. 

I can only look back now and heave a sigh of relief. I had finally come to terms with everything.

I had already forgiven you a long time ago . And I will never forget the kindness of your heart when you were well. 

 

I am keeping the good memories. This is how I will remember you as my very best friend. 

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Written - 16 August 2016

And it pretty much boils down to the same thing when it comes to my emotions. It's always been there. It has never left since. It may have evolved; it may have taken a different form. But the truth is, it has always been lurking somewhere within me. And try as I may to shun away from it, I know deep within me, it will always linger and won't go away.

I have loved you for so long that it is not well within my heart to throw it all away. I cannot unlove you. The entire system of my being refuses to. I guess there is something about young love that cannot die a natural death. It doesn't just rob you off your innocence, it steals away an integral part of yourself that you will never be able to recover. You just get on with your own life knowing that the world won't stop for your grief. And then eventually, you learn to move on. But that hole in your heart, it seeps right through you and unfortunately remains to be a gap that cannot be filled much like a wound out of a tooth extraction - the pain doesn't linger when the wound heals, but the tooth will always be missing. 

And I will always miss you. And I will always wish that you were still around. That charismatic smile of yours remains to be imprinted and my eyes never light up the way they do whenever we are together. But it has taken an eternity for us to figure out what we really meant to each other and so much has happened since then. A lot has changed. I wish I could say that I was still the same girl that I was back then. But when we both decided to tread on different paths ten years ago, I guess with it came the decision that we will not be sharing a life together. Because that girl you once knew is gone. She has changed for the better. She has moved on. She has made her life choices which she tirelessly worked for. She thus chooses to stand by them even if it means not being with you. And though the intensity of my emotions has unceasingly remained to be at a standstill, we both know that the stars have not aligned to our favor in this lifetime. 

I can only love you from a distance, never too close enough lest run the risk of burning. But I will continue to love you from where I am. That is something that I do not need to promise as it is an obligation which my weary heart has imposed upon myself without any reservation. The fact that we are not together doesn't change anything. It doesn't diminish the pain of longing nor the misery of our parting. If at all, it has only transcended into a different level. Because I continue to love you even when you're not around - even when there is absolutely nothing to hold on to because logic and reason is of no moment to a heart that beats this way only for you. 

And I want you to know that I also understand why you have chosen to maintain your distance and keep your silence. It has taken a while for me to fathom, but I have always accorded your wisdom and your ability to perceive things with great weight. I know you have your own reasons for wanting to stay away. And if this is your version of coping and dealing with our separate realities, then I can do nothing but to respect your course of action although it does not make it any less painful nor the entire process any less cumbersome. I will always miss you like the sun misses the moon.

In a different lifetime, maybe all this will make sense. For now, my heart remains right where it was. And you are forever etched on it. 

Reminiscing in the Midst of this Pandemic

On First Impressions

We were classmates for a year and yet not once did we speak to each other. You found me too loud and unruly and all the while I thought of you as snobbish.

Fast forward to 2013. It was the first semester of my junior year in law school. After class, we were having dinner at a burger joint that your bestfriend owned. You offered to share a milkshake with me because I told you I couldn’t finish one all by myself. You kept me entertained the entire time as you made faces and mimicked one of our professors in class. You were ridiculously funny and I was laughing my heart out. It was then that I realized that first impressions shouldn’t really matter so much. You proved me wrong because you weren’t so bad after all. 

And back then really, who would have known what the future had in store for us both? 😊

Not three

Three months. That was how long I had planned to get through all my heartaches and move on with my life. I've prided myself over the fact that I am always able to program my system to easily adapt to changes in a span of 3 months. With that amount of time, I am able to adjust to a new environment or circumstance in my life - be it a different workplace or a new relationship.  This one is going to be just like the rest. Or so I thought.

But just recently, I've realized that I'm no robot. And it was foolish of me to box myself up and reduce all of my emotions into a measly three-month rule. Because I don't operate that way. 

Maybe I've just been too unhappy for the longest time that at some point, I really wanted to get it over and done with. I immersed myself into this make-shift reality where my deepest darkest pain and longing were locked up and all I could feel was temporary bliss. I set my standards at a minimum and attached myself to  a particular level of joy which I knew was only fleeting and impermanent. 

I feigned happiness but I knew better. Because I know that three months is not enough and it is going to take me a while for me to get my life back on track. 

Moving on doesnt just happen. And three months is not ample time. Not when my heart has been ripped open and completely torn apart. Not when your grandmother has not lived long enough to see you fulfill your lifelong dream. Not when your bestfriend of 13 years betrayed your trust during your most vulnerable time. And especially not when the love of your life, the one person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with, suddenly disappears in the middle of nowhere, leaving you and your heart in shambles. 

I need more time. And I need to figure this one out on my own. Some things just cant be rushed and that there are those that cant be forced. Especially when all your instincts tell you that it's just not meant to be to begin with anyway.

So I will allow the Divine Master to take control and maneuver his way into my life. I absolutely have no idea where I'm headed and what my future has in store. But I trust him enough that better things are coming my way. 

For now, I will be brave, courage and fearless. Even if it means being alone.